Happy Birthday Mom

Dear Mom,

   Today would have been your 54th birthday.  If I were in MI, you and I would have celebrated our birthdays together yesterday, and we'd be eating leftover cake today.  Speaking of cake, grandma would have made her 3 layer chocolate cake with sea-foam frosting.  It would have been yellow or green, our favorite colors. Since I wouldn't have been in MI,  I would have called you first thing this morning to say happy birthday, although I probably wouldn't have beat grandma.  Before I called you though I would have texted dad to remind him it was your birthday even though we would have spoken yesterday about getting you something.  After I called you I would have called my brother to remind him.  He probably would have gotten you another piece of hockey memorabilia and you would have loved it.  I would have sent you a card, a big cheesy one that sings to you that was signed by the kids.  It would still be on its way there since I never seemed to mail it on time.  We would have spoken various time throughout the day so you could tell me about the mini yellow roses dad got you, the lunch you had with grandma, or the dinner to Applebees that Cody treated you to. All your clients on the bus would have remembered your special day and you would come home with lots of cards and special gifts. You'd feel so loved.  You and dad would have made the trip here for Grai's birthday next week and we would celebrate all our birthdays together, just like we talked about when we found out I was having a daughter. While I miss you tremendously today, it's killing me to even think about you not being here for Graison's first birthday.  You wouldn't have missed it for anything.  You would be amazed at how much she has grown. At the beautiful red curls she is getting.  At how happy she is and how much her brothers love her.  You would have taken dozens of pictures and I would be so glad since I'd probably forgotten to take any.  I have a tremendous relationship with grandma and I wanted her to have that with you.  She's only going to have one grandma though, just like I did. You knew that before she was even born though and made sure to tell me again and again how blessed you felt knowing how much Jan loved me and my kiddos. I haven't forgotten that. You should know that she adores Grai, and I have no doubt that they will have much the same close relationship that Grandma and I do.  I know exactly how blessed I am to have her and I am glad that you knew it too.  I miss you mom and I fear I am only going to miss you more as time goes on.  I rejoice in your heavenly home but grieve the loss of our special days of the past and the ones we planned with Graison for the future.  You've left a hole I haven't yet figured out how to fill. 

Happy Birthday

Your daughter,

    Lindy

Where to begin... Where to go

I't been so long since I've written that I am not sure where to start or when I do, where to go. Writing is hard. It gives face to feelings, and legitimacy to fears. Between the recent holidays and the upcoming birthdays my faith is fragile and the pain intense. She should be here. That sounds silly now that I have written it. Lots of people, lots of kids should be here. Here with their families celebrating life. I won't even begin the question the when's and why's of God. Its not my place, or anyone's for that matter, nor would I want it to be. What I will say though, is I wish she were here.  I just wish she was here.  

In Search of Joy

It's hard for me to believe that it's been almost a month since I blogged here. Time has been going a little too fast for my liking and while we have been busy, I truthfully just haven't had the heart to write. I'm somewhere in the middle of sad, angry, confused, relieved, bitter, and joyful.   Those last two are really in stark contrast to one another, yet they are both ever-present. I think my lack of writing is simply because I have let the bitterness overtake the joyfulness. I didn't realize it until today.

I was on my way home from the grocery and had the radio on.  It was a local Christian station, and while I generally don't listen to it (I prefer my own play-lists), I had tuned in just in time to hear a young women giving a testimony of thanks.  She was thankful that her mom had been cancer free for a year.  (insert punch in the stomach here)  I was almost immediately angry that her mom had been spared and mine was dead.  I had no joy whatsoever in her blessings just anger in what I didn't have.

Suddenly it dawned on me, while I thought of a friends mom who also had caner this past year but is doing great.  I would never ever wish for him to lose his mom, but if I couldn't be joyful in God's blessing her with healing, then I might as well wish exactly that. 

Lord forgive me for my bitterness. Forgive my anger and spite.  You and you alone control the way you heal. You are the author of life. Thank you for the life you gave my mom, and thank you for the life you continue to give others. Lord, even though many days I feel swallowed in my own grief please continue to remind me that you grieved over my mothers illness as well.  You knew her pain and suffering and in You she has been healed forever.  I trust you Jesus, despite how I may feel at a given moment, my faith is in you. Help me to choose joy.

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

      I came home this past weekend to visit and you weren't there.  I don't suppose I expected you to be, well I'm not really sure what I expected.  I know that I didn't think it would be as hard has it was. It was my first time back since your death and memorial and it wasn't any easier than being there then.  You were everywhere and nowhere all at the same time and it sucked. (Can I say that? I know it sounds tasteless and juvenile, but I can't think of another way to put it.)  The kids asked about you multiple times over the weekend.  Sam wanted to know who you were living with in heaven, and remarked that it was too bad you couldn't be there to play with Him.  Regi asked where you were and wondered if we could call you on the phone in heaven.

     They just don't get it all, but I tried to explain it to them as best I could.  Since we have always been honest with one another though, I'm just going to tell you, I don't get it either.  I was reading through some old papers you had written and in them you wrote that your dad was your hero.  You said he was because he "never stopped fighting to live while he was dying." That he "smiled when everyone around him was sad."  He had the same cancer you did and outlived all his doctors expectations.  Why did you stop fighting?  You gave up the minute you received the diagnosis and we all knew it.  No matter what people said to you, how they tried to encourage you, you were already gone.  While we tried to make the most of the time we had left with you, you wasted it.  I'm no doctor but I'm betting that a little positive thinking and will to live might just have helped you live longer. Might have helped you watch your grandkids grow up a little more. Might have let you live long enough to see Grai crawl and pull herself up.  You might have seen Sam and Regi learn how to fish with Dad.

     Maybe I am not being fair. After all, I was not the one dying. Maybe no matter what you did, it all still would have ended the same. Maybe.  You always told me though, "you'll never know unless you try." "When you try, you don't have to worry about the 'maybes'."  Today mom, I'm angry with the maybes.  I love you with all my heart, but I'm still angry and I hope that's ok.

I love you

   your lindy

4 Generations

 This is the only picture I have of the four of us together.  I'm pretty sure I will treasure it forever.

I love you mom.

The Land Between

This past week, I dutifully started reading the book my brother in law gifted to me. I say that not because I have to report back to Kris on whether I read it or not, but because I knew it was a read that would cause me some pain/discomfort and I didn't want to read it.  However, I promised myself last summer that I would never let discomfort or fear keep me from doing something that could potentially be good for me.

Something you should know about me... I LOVE to read.  I have read hundreds if not a thousand  books in my short life thus far.  That being said, I don't like wasting time either.  I'm not sure how I arrived at this number, but I only give a book 27 pages to get my attention.  If it gets it I finish it, if not, it gets put on a shelf.  (Call me a book snob if you wish but 27 pages should be plenty to give me something I want to read more about.)  All that to say this book didn't need 27 pages.  It needed 7, and they were from the intro, not even the first chapter.  I think I mentioned this but the book is called  "The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions," and it's written by Jeff Manion.  Basically the book uses the travels of the  Israelites, fresh out of slavery in Egypt, as a metaphor for undesired transitions in our own lives.

I think I had been searching for something or someone that could resonate and put into words what I was feeling and thinking.  That 7th page said it all. "In a sentence, we are ripped from normality and find ourselves in a new world, as if thrown from a moving train. We are hurled into the land of the suddenly single, the valley of the grieving, the new vocabulary of chemotherapy, or the weekly routine of nursing home visits.  In our more confident faith filled moments, we know that we will regain our footing, and find some kind of balance in a new normal, but for now we are simply and suddenly "between" and at a loss as to how to navigate the terrain."  That's where I was, still am, and probably will be for a while yet to come.

A few sentences changed my life forever.

"Mom's cancer is back, it's in her brain" 

"The dr. thinks about 6 months" 

"Carey, your mom is in heaven now"

How I respond and react to those few sentences could further change me. What I am learning is that unlike the changes those sentences caused, I have control over the changes that lie ahead.

Day by Day

   There are some days where I can pretend everything is ok.  Other days where I just don't have the luxury of focusing on myself and so everything has to be ok.  There are also some days where, while my thoughts are never far from my mom, I can choose joy, be enthusiastic with the kids, and have fun.

   Then there are days like yesterday where I can barely function.  Just getting dressed and making breakfast is almost too much for me. I'm frustrated, sad, angry, confused, guilty, anxious, fearful, and so much more.  Faith is hard to find and joy is near impossible to choose. I yell at the kids, am cold to my husband and just have no patience.  Eventually I crumble into a ball of tears and vent to God.  Why her, why now, why this way, how am I supposed to move on without a mom, God I'm 27 I'm supposed to still have my mom. She finally got her granddaughter Lord, and now shes missing her whole life, it's not fair. On and on I go but God doesn't answer my questions. 

   Eventually I just sit quietly and wait because it always comes.  Its not always directly from God, sometimes its through others, but it always comes. "I love you, I'm with you" It doesn't fix it, make it all better, or allow me to forget it all, but I'm not sure its supposed to. What it does do is bring a measure of peace and strength, enough just to get through the moment and onto the next. 

   My brother-in-law and his wife gave me a book over the weekend and I have the feeling its going to do a lot of talking about days like today. It's called "The Land Between" and truth be told a part of me, a really big part, is scared to read it.  I'm afraid of how much of me it will expose and leave me to change and respond to. The other small part, the one I am trying to focus on, is looking forward to it.  There is a potential here for a great change to take place in my life. I think its just deciding whether it is worth the pain to get to it and that has yet to be decided.